11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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