i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
