dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
