i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
