Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
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I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
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We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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