Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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