He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
