There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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