I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
