i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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