thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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