is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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