The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
