The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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