Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
