Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
