filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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