I look better un-naked...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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