She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
