i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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