i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
