Please don't use social media to get back at me.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
