We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
