I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
People in love make me want to vomit
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Randomize
