I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
