Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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