wat bout pragnant strippers??
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
