Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
