Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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