the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
