It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
