call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
