So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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