i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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