I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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