No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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