Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
