i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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