Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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