the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
