I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I'm, like, this ðŸ¤ðŸ¼ close to buying crocs
And you're also ðŸ¤ðŸ¼ to never putting your dick inside me again
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