Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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