Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
