how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
