and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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