I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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