I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Randomize
