Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
