How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
