i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
