Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
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