I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
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Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
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Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize