i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
