my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
