I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I think people are normalizing furries
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
