He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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