I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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