So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
