i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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