He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
